At the moment I have very little to write about, because I believe God hasn’t given me anything to say, but I still feel He wants me to write. So I thought I write a bit about my social phobias and the benefits of suffering when it is offered up to God.
I was a tediously shy at the beginning of my life with a very bad speech problem, which I now know it was due to lack of confidence in myself. My mother was the only person who could understand me until I was at the age of eight years old. When I reached twelve I prayed for nine months for a friend because I was terribly lonely. God gave me a very good friend and we still are after fifty years. She gave me the confidence in myself to talk normally so everyone could understand me. Sometimes I still get tongue tied when I am nervous or over excited about something.
At the age of twenty one I was able to socialise really well. I always had a problem of what to say to people still do, but at that time I was really good at socialising. Not for long, my father died when I was twenty two years old and the whole family had a breakdown. A year later I joined a lay missionary group in Western Australia. I shouldn’t really because I wasn’t over my father’s death and I had a mild social phobia was developing as well. But I did because I so desperately wanted to serve God. I really wanted to join the Carmelites disclosed order, but I misinterpret the saint’s writings. When they said be careful what you decide is not God’s will but your own. I thought to myself ‘do I want to join the Carmelites for myself or for God.’ And since I had no one to talk to I chose to do lay missionary work for two years. Thinking two years will go so fast. I was dead wrong, I never suffered so much I think in all my life. I can’t be certain, but it was something I wouldn’t want to go through again.
It wasn’t the work it was living with seven Christians. You think living with Christians would be easy since the commandment is to love one another, but that isn’t so. Everybody is hard to live with, because we have so many faults and if we don’t have a wise person in charge, things can fall apart easily. I lasted six months and far as I am concern I had a breakdown on top of a breakdown. And a very bad social phobia as well.
I then wanted to offer myself up to expiate the sins of pride and judging. God answered that prayer so quickly that you knew it was Gods doing. I was given the gift of discernment of the spirit. In particular I would see pride and judging in people. I reacted very badly too the demons. I was in so much pain both physically and emotionally, I wouldn’t be able to exaggerate it. Ten years of this and then the next ten years about, I didn’t see the demons in people anymore but my reactions were like if I saw the demons. Then the next twenty years getting healed and the last ten of those years, growing out of my social phobias. Which I think is an absolute miracle what God has done for me. Much more I have had to endure than what I am saying here, but this is enough. God gave me the courage and endurance to deal with my problems and I think that is why I and so many people are receiving many visions, dreams and visitations from God.
We all would like to have the rewards without the sacrifice and hard work, but it doesn’t happen that way. At the moment I am going through another trial and I have to learn to have faith in God in a different area of my life. I feel God is so kind to me and patient because I have to fight doubt so much. But what He is teaching me when sadness overcomes you don’t automatically think it is you, it could be a demon you need to rebuke and cast out. Refuse to give into it. I have had to do that a few times and it really does work.